Dear Girl From Junior High That Inexplicably Punched Me in The Balls Unprovoked

Dear Girl From Junior High That Inexplicably Punched Me in The Balls Unprovoked,

Do you even remember doing that to me? You probably don't. However, I can tell you in all certainty, I do! Let me refresh your memory. We were sharing a Grey Hound bus seat together (not by my own choice mind you… you just sort of plopped down next to me like it was a good idea); it was the end of our eighth grade school year, and we were on our way to the second happiest place on Earth (Six Flags Magic Mountain) with the rest of our entire eighth grade class (there must have been hundreds of us awkward-plague-faced-sexually-aware-plenty-of-nonsense-know-it-all kids riding in formation on several dilapidated incarnations of the same style of Grey Hound bus down I5… yet we ended up on the same coach, and now I'm sharing a seat with you… go figure). We were traveling at a snails pace through the loftier sloped portion of the grapevine towards Los Angeles. You were making small talk with me (with something that might have later resembled wit… it's hard to say… I'm not convinced many eighth graders posses this sort of social gift at this junction of their pubescent life… well, from an adult standpoint… you were on your way though… you had me laughing). However, this sort of jovial banter came to a screeching halt with one physical moment of awakening and pain that will never quit flush itself out of the shitty toilet bowl memories of my existence… you punched me in the junk! That's like punching my future children in the face. Why? I want an answer. Here, I'll break down the order of events for you just to massage your recollection:

1. We were talking (nothing overly rude that wasn't already provoked by your junior high potty mouth… or overtly sexual, just talking smack I think).
2. You punched me in the nuts.

Do you remember now? (It doesn't really matter; that was a rhetorical question). The important thing is why! Is it because you thought I was cute? If so, these would have been some suggested methods in which to better display your affection:

1. Tell me I'm cute.
2. Continue talking to me (minus the socking me in the nuts part).
3. Exercise the age-old art of flirtation.
4. Kiss me on the cheek.
5. Hold my hand.
6. Compliment silly parts of my body (like my chin or elbow).
7. Tell me you like me.
8. Etc.

There is a certain part of me that feels sorry for your husband (let me give you a clue… it rhymes with chesticles). May someone have pity on that poor man's soul… and scrotum.

Best Regards,

~ The Guy You Punched in the Balls (A.K.A. Mike)